#45 Why Do I Miss Everything?

I Don't Own The Music

Why do I end up missing everything that I thought that I would never feel like missing anymore. There is nothing that I would change in where I am now, but I still somehow miss all the things I used to have before. I miss all the fun I used to have with all my friends. All the stupid things we did when no one was watching. I just miss everything, all the things I thought that I would never miss again I miss. I just wish that I could go back to where I was before. 

My life was full then, I had everything I was living a dream, but not anymore. Till two days ago I thought that my life was full and I had everything that I need, but it's not true. I'm missing so much. I really just wish that I could go back to where I was before. I miss all the competing, I miss the everyday training, being able to be alone going to the stables, and just being with him. The one that I care about, but now all of that is gone. I don't have anything anymore. I just have him, but it doesn't feel like he is mine, because he is so far away. I miss show jumping, I miss it more than anything, I just wish I could go back. I can't do what I love anymore, and I feel like quitting. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to share my horse with everyone, because he's mine. I'm fine with sharing him with my mother, but others I don't want to share him with. I want to be with him everyday, and if I can't why do I even do this. There is no point in doing something I love, if I don't care about it anymore. Especially, when everyone else is having fun training with their friends and I'm stuck at a small stable alone, not being able to do the things that I love. It's not fair. I just want to quit, my horse is sick I need to listen to people tell me that I should buy a new horse, but what if I don't want to, because it will never be the same. I just hate all of this. I've had enough of people lecturing me how my horse should be put down and that I should buy an new horse. I don't want a new horse, I just want to quit. I've had enough this is driving me insane. I want to put him down and quit for good, never come back again. I see no point in anything anymore. I just don't want to do this without him, I want to keep him, but according to other people it's time to put him down, so why don't I just do that and then give up. I see no point in trying again, because I know that I will fail again, as a person, and as a rider, and I don't know what to do with that anymore. I'll just listen to other people talking shit about me. I don't want to do any of this anymore. I just quit. There's no point in continuing, especially if I'm no good at what I do. I see no point in wasting my life with this, because I will never get anywhere. All of this was just a phase in my life, and it disappeared like everyone told me at one point, it will go away so there is no point in trying to build your whole life around it, because you will no be doing this for the rest of your life. 

I quit!

#44 Sorry For The Long Wait

I Don't Own The Music

Viime postauksesta on kolme kuukautta. En edes tiedä mihin kaikki tämä aika on hävinnyt. Tuntuu siltä että koulu olisi vasta alkanut. Lokakuu meni hujauksessa. Hihs tuli ja meni, minun syntymäpäivä tuli ja meni. Kavereiten syntymäpäivät myös, sekä kaikki muut koulu hommat ja hevonen. Ainiin ja 10 päivän syysloma. Ja uusi kamera ja putki, koska vanha yritti sanoa itseään irti kolmen vuoden jälkeen.

Tänne minun puolelleni kuuluu hyvää Lare on todella hyvä nykyään ratsataa ja hoitaa, siinä ei ole mitään ongelmia, kaikki toimii todella hyvin vaikkakin joudutiin siirtymään pellolta kentälle. Ollaan silti mahduttu todella hyvin. Unohdinko mainita että ensi lumi satoi tänään etelä suomeen, ei kyllä ollut yhtään ikävä.

(c) Inka

Koulusta ei edes tarvitse keskustella, sillä siellä ei tapahdu mitään koska en tee mitään, ja kun olis 55 minuutin ruoka tunti jolloin normaalit ihmiset syö, minä istun lattialla mietimässä mitä oikeasti teen elämälläni tai pelaan puhelimella. Siinä olisi oiva aika postauksien kirjoitamiseen tai kouluun panostamiseen, muttei vaan mitenkään enää jaksa. Hihsistä tulee oma postaus sillä olin expossa kolmena päivänä töissä ja yhtenä päivänä minulla oli ihan liput ja menin katsomaan näytöksiä. Pitää vain saada kuvat käytyä läpi ja editoitua. Sama on alku syyslomasta jolloin olin perheeni kanssa Dubaissa, josta on jossain vaiheessa marraskuuta toivottavasti tulossa oma postaus ihanien kesäisien kuvien kera. Ja nyt pitää iskeä naama takaisin oppikirjoihin jotta pysyy jotenkin vielä opinnot hallinassa.

(c) Inka

Kannattaa muuten seurata sosiaalisessa mediassa jos haluaa realiaikaisi kuvia ja päivityksiä.
Snap Chat: air0000
Instagram: _mc_claren_ ja alice_reinius

#43 I love You To The Moon And Back

It's now been two years since you became mine, and from that day on I have loved you, hated you and had both feelings at the same time. But right now I love you more than words can describe. I'm proud of you and I trust you. I trust you more than what I have ever before. I don't know why, but I don't care either, the main point is that I still have you and you are still here with me. We have had a really rough patch and I hope it would end and you could come back home. I just hope that you would get better and stay better, so that I could keep you till the day you die. But if you don't I know that the only right decision is to let you go. I just don't want to think of it that way, but that's the only way that I've been thinking of. I'm scared of loosing you, but I'm also scared of keeping you.

#42 Where are we going?

On ollut hiljaista taas pieni tovi, enkä voi mitenkään luvata että asiaan tulisi mitään muutosta, koska en halua kirjoittaa jos se tuntuu siltä että tekstiä pitää pakottaa ulos. 

Mutta nyt näyttää siltä että Larella on parempi olo laitumella, ja hän nyt jää sinne. Itse menen ratsastamaan kaksi kertaa viikossa. Kävin siellä itse keskiviikkona, ja Lare oli aivan ihana ratsastaa. Menin ilman satulaa ensin maastossa, kaikkissa askelajeissa hetken aikaa, jonka jälkeen menin kentälle ja tein ympyrällä väistöjä hetken aikaa. Lare oli todella jäykkä etenkin oikeaan kierrokseen. 

Huomasin sen jo maastossa, mutten antanut sen häiritä. Ravi oli todella lennokasta etenkin vasempaan, jossa se oli muutenkin mukavempi ratsastaa. Laukka oli molempiin suuntiin todella mukavaa, mutta siellä istuminen oli haasteelista, koska se oli normaalimpaa isompaa ja lenokaampaa. Oikeaan ravi oli vähän hitaampaa, mutta kyllä se pari hyvää reipasta pätkää. Mutta yleisesti olen todella tyytyväinen ja iloinen Lareen ja sen ratsastetavuuteen ja käytokseen. 

#41 Where are we?

Noh, missä menään. Olisi kivaa jos pystyisin itse vastaamaan tähän kysymykseen itse, mutten osaa. Koska en tiedä missä menään, olen ihan pihalla kaikesta, ja mikään ei käy järkeen, mikään ei liity toisiinsa. En siis osallistunut Larella keskiviikko kisoihin, koska sen vatsa ei ollut tiistaina kunnossa, mutta keskiviikkona se oli ihan hyvä. Sitten taas torstaina vatsa ei ollut kunnossa. En enää ymmärrä missä mättää, ollaan yritetty nyt kaikkea mitä lääkäri on ehdottanut, ja mikään ei tunnu toimivan. Harmittaa todella paljon, sillä en osaa auttaa Larea ja sitten en tiedä mitä sillä voi tehdä kun vatsa ei ole kunnossa, kun ei se voi saada neljää päivää vapaata putkeen. Olen vaan niin poikki tässä asiasssa, eilen Lare ei taas tuntiin syönyt mitään, mutta se on kyllä viisas hevonen ja se ei syö jos sillä ei ole nälkä, tai se on liikkunut liian vähän. Mutta nykyään se muutenkin syö vähän liian vähän heinää, mutta ei se ole lähtenyt laihtumaan, joten ei sen paino minua huoleta. En vain osaa sanoa missä vika, joten kirjoitaminen on todella vaikeaa, niin postaus tahti saataa hieman hidastua, nyt kun Lare ei ole ihan 100% kunnossa.
Mutta jos haluaa tietää missä menään, niin meitä voi seurata instagramissa @_mc_claren_ tai @alice_reinius niihin päivitelen huomattavasti enemmän, koska sinne voi laittaa vain kuvia, eikä tarvitse paljoa miettiä että mitä sinne nyt taas kirjotaisi.

#40 Dyslexia

Dyslexia

[dis-lek-see-uh] 

Noun:any of various reading disorders associated with impairment of the ability to interpret spatial relationships or to integrate auditory and visual information.

Source:"The Definition of Dyslexia." Dictionary.com. N.p., n.d. Web. 24 May 2016. <http://www.dictionary.com/browse/dyslexia?s=t>

This is something that I have stayed quiet about, especially in my blog. It's not because I don't want people to know, I don't care if they know. The thing why I have stayed quite is, because I'm scared of people judging me and thinking that I'm stupid. I was even scared to tell my teachers, I had my parents tell them, even though I should be old enough to tell them myself. Some teachers I told and others my parents did. 

The reason I didn't want any of my teachers to know about my dyslexia, was that either they would think of me as some stupid student who doesn't  know anything, or then they would think of me as some lazy student trying to get away with crappy work.  They were all told, and most were really willing to do anything and everything to make sure that I get good grades. Others didn't do as much, but still did realize that I needed more time, or sometimes more help/assistance with a writing or reading task. 

I still remember in primary school, when we had mental math, and I could only sometimes get one question right, because I couldn't do the calculations in my head, like other students. I sometimes just doodled on my math test's because I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Once when we had a math test, in primary school I had not been able to finish the test in the time given (we had a substitute that day). So I went to my next class crying because I knew the stuff, I just wasn't able to finish the paper in time. So then the teacher went to tell the sub and I got to finish my test. This all happened just because I was too scared to tell the sub that I was allowed more time in a test.
 Then going to middle school, I had a little bit more courage, and I told some of my teachers about, my dyslexia but then to some I was too scared to tell. And then also telling my classmates, was too scary to say anything, so then I stayed quiet. But most of them now know, because they have either found out from someone else or then I've told them. 

The hardest part, for a long time for me has and most likely will still be asking for help, and telling people about it. Since I'm scared of people judging me, and telling me how it's not a real thing, but something you have come up with, because you are lazy or just don't want to do the work properly. Even though I know that no of that is true, it still makes me feel bad, when I hear people say that. Especially, because my dyslexia isn't even so bad, but then there are children my age, who can barely read, because their dyslexia is so bad,  and then people judge them and tell them that they are lazy. 

The most annoying thing that I've noticed myself is that teachers, (not all but some) don't realize all the effort I put into my work, or then they do and if they see one spelling mistake, or my sentence structure is bad, they lower my grade, not my a few points, but sometimes even whole grades. That really drives me crazy, because I always spell check my writing and make sure that the sentences make sense. But then the thing is that I don't see all the mistakes that the teachers see, because I sometimes see the things correct even though in the text they are written incorrectly. And then with sentence structure, and if the sentence makes sense or not, I read through everything I write, and most of the sentences that I write make sense, and they look correct, but then when someone else reads the sentence they just see the mistakes, that I didn't see and totally miss the content of the sentence, taking yet again points away.

 I myself like writing, it's one of those ways for me to get my thoughts out of my head, and somewhere else. But then I'm mostly too scared to submit my work, or put it anywhere for anyone else to see, because yet again the same judging thing takes place. Mostly people like what I write, but then they judge my grammar. And then again because I'm too scared to tell them that I'm dyslexic they get to go on and on about it, thinking that I'm just a stupid person who doesn't know how to spell. Once I told about my dyslexia in my old blog, and then someone came there I don't know the person, but they started coming up with reasons why I'm such a stupid kid, and there is no such thing as dyslexia, and I have just made it up, to cover the real reason, why I'm so stupid. It at first made me feel bad, but then after a while of listening to them, I decided to stand up for myself. At that time I was really proud of myself, because I had the courage to stand up to someone, who was trying to push me down to the ground. People who don't know much about dyslexia think that there is a cure to it, but they are wrong. Of course there are ways of making it easier, and the only way you can do that is by working your ass of day and night, trying to work on improving everything, but there are certain things like the moving text that can't be fixed.

I hope that someone got something out of this text, and feel free to ask any questions I will try and answer them to the best of my ability.

#39 What is going on

Tässä on nyt tällainen kertomus siittä mitä Larelle on kuulunut ja miten se on voinut ja voi nyt. Teksti on kirjoitettu englanniksi sillä se on minun Personal Project, mutta ajattelin että se olisi kiva jakaa teidän kanssanne. 

Introduction  

 My point in doing this report is that my original personal project idea got ruined, since my horse’s stomach. All of this began in 2014, 15th of August when we bought my horse Mc Claren. My point in all of this is to explain how it all began, when and where and how it affected my personal project that then how it forced me to stop because I was not able to train due to two different things, but his stomach was the problem that then made me quit totally.   

  

August to December 2014,   

We bought Mc Claren, everything was okay his stomach was okay and there was no problem with is manure being loose, the only problem was that his skin was itching, but at this time he was still eating fresh grass, the itching came from the fact that he ate food that contained,  oats and he is allergic to it.  

Everything was mostly under control, except the fact that he was way too slim, for being an Irish Cob that is supposed to weigh 500kg not 300kg like he did when we bought him. In every way, he had not been taken care of really well until I started to take care of him at the end of 7th grade, but then I didn’t have any power over anything. We took him to the vet for a check, just to make sure that everything is okay, and the vet had nothing to say about his stomach, he only said that he needs a lot more muscle, and that comes by getting more weight and that he had some small mistake in is teeth, but everything else was okay. At that point, the previous owner of the horse told us that we should get his stomach properly checked, but we didn’t because at that time everything seemed okay, and we found out what we needed to know from the vet, about his past visits, so there was nothing suspicious. At this time, he ate Racing Regular, Minerals, Heu Cubes, Flax, Hay and fresh grass.  

 There was still no sign, of a bad stomach. Everything was going really well, with training except a few flaws like he was bitten on the lip and nostril, by another horse. There was really nothing much to say about September, we were moving on pretty well and he started to gain weight and muscle. At this time, he was still able to eat fresh grass in his “paddock” the size of a postcard and was daily let eat grass for at least 30 minutes. In October, there was still no change to the situation of his stomach, but we changed his feed from the one that included oats, to an oat free one, that took the itching of the skin away, that was really good. Especially for his pathetic mane, because it was so short, and it became shorter every day because he scratched it. So we changed his feed Derma Vital pellets, Minerals, Heu Cubes, Flax, Hay and fresh grass.   

 November was a total mess, not because of any issues, with his stomach, but other reasons. He started itching again, and none of his food contained oats anymore, except we found out that a new set of minerals had come in that contained a bit of oat, but he had never got any. So after a bit of investigation, we found out that the pellets used for the bedding of his stall contained oats, it was the first ingredient, so that got dealt with. We had moved away from our old stable, which then just made my life harder. His stomach stayed the same, throughout the whole of November and December, there were no problems anywhere, except some flaws at the stables we were at, and the fact that my horse didn’t really know what to do anymore, because of the way things changed. So every day when I went to the stables I was a target of getting killed by my horse. His feed only changed that he didn’t get fresh grass in the winter.  

  

  

January to August 2015,   

There was nothing wrong, except the fact that my little idiot baby decided to hurt his shoulder blade muscle, and was out of work for two weeks, that was not bad at all. We had a really nice time since there was nothing wrong with his stomach. He was totally healthy unless you count in one or two scrapes somewhere, me being kicked four times by my horse and then one really scary situation where I thought that he had severe colic symptoms, but they thank god went away. Then during the beginning of summer, I think about two months of school left, he went on some type of eating strike, and he refused to touch anything else, expect hay and fresh grass. He also went away for a month to just chill at a huge pasture, where his skin started itching again, but this time from a different reason. We also fed him psyllium for 7 days to get any possible sand out of his stomach, because he has a tendency of eating everything from the ground, even sand and small objects like plastic spoons. During this time he’s feed didn’t change much so he ate, Derma Vital pellets, Flax, Heu Cubes, Oil, Electrolyte, Not So Sweet Itch (for a month or so during the summer period), lactic acid bacteria, hay and fresh grass (during the summer)  

  

September to October 2015,   

 This was the first time, his stomach started to show signs that everything was not okay. But at this time, his itching was getting worse, so we concentrated more on getting it better. His stomach was not even so bad, and we got to the conclusion, that his bad stomach was because of the fact that he had just come from only eating fresh grass, and then he started getting normal hay alongside the grass. Then in the beginning of October, we had our yearly vet check, where he gets his vaccinations and they look at his teeth. So at the same time, we asked about the itching, and the vet said that we could give him Histec to help the itching. So then we decided to, try it out if it would actually help. It did help the itching, but it made his stomach so much worse, that it got us to the point to where we are now. We didn’t change his food in any way at all, during this time period.   

  

November to December 2015,   

 His stomach just got worse and worse, so then in December, we talked about my grandmother, who was a vet. And she then contacted one of her old friends, who told us to go to Yliopistollinen  

Eläinsairaala, where she worked at. So we went there, or I didn’t nor did my mum, but a friend took him there. There they did a bunch of tests, and found that there was a little bit of sand in his stomach, but they said that it shouldn’t do effect this much. They took all the blood tests and they all came back with really good results. So then they told us to give him Gastrogard, for ten days, and see if it helps. But with no surprise it didn’t work, so then we continued on riding like normally because that was one of the instructions. At that time, I had more complications with my personal project because I couldn’t practice it, for the reason that people would just “over power” me and not care about the fact that I had booked the indoor ring.  After we then had read the vets paper again, we realised that we should change his feed a bit. So then he started eating, Derma Vital pellets, Heu Cubes, Alfa Alfa Oil, Flax, Electrolyte, Biotin, Lactic Acid Bacteria, Darm Fit, Oil, and Hay.   

  

  

January to February 2016,   

 The stomach got a bit better after we changed his feed, and we started giving him some food always before riding. But then in February, we were back to square one, and the stomach was bad again, so we once again read the vets instructions and changed is food a bit. So that he started also getting Yeasac that comes from beer, so it should somehow help calm down the stomach. With no surprise, it didn’t work either. I was already giving up because nothing seemed to be working, or then it only worked for a day or two. Then when my grandmother came back to Finland my mom talked to her, and they found out that we should change his food a bit again. So then he started eating Progrut and Alfa Alfa pellets, that both should help his stomach with all the other foods he was eating. We then took out oil and the Derma Vital pellets ran out, so we stopped giving those to him.   

  

March 2016,   

 We had time to see a really good period and it lasted for about two weeks, but then it started going down the drain again. But then it got better again for a little while, and then it was on off good and bad. But well we continued on doing normal work, except that for some reason, I was not allowed to do proper dressage nor show jumping training. Now just in the past week or so, we have seen a few good days, but then also many bad days. At this moment I at least feel that I’m lost, because there is nothing that I can do because we at least have to go through April still, before we can go see the vet again.  

  

Conclusion,  

 So all of this has affected my personal project that is still a dressage program for my horse.  So we still don’t know what’s wrong and have to wait a month to see if anything changes before we see the vet again, but my guess is that the Histec did something to the stomach that then caused all of this, but I can’t be sure because I’m not a vet.