You are everything to me, and there is nothing that I would not do for you. You are not just a horse to me you are the horse, I don't even always see you as a horse, because you are my best friend, my everything. You are my life, and everything that I do is to keep you safe, and with me as long as possible. And I'm glad you have been my friend for these years, because I have had the time of my life.
I'm glad that I have been able to share these good moments with you, because you mean everything to me. Every time I see you, I smile because you make me so happy. Everything you do makes me happy, but when you don't seem happy it gets to me, and I start to wonder where have I gone wrong, because I wish that I could also make you happy.
The way you see life is so different. You don't mind what happens, a bomb could explode next to you and you wouldn't move unless I did. You are not a horse, and I know that, because you act like a dog. You are loyal, and you never betray me. You are the best person to be around, but you have to be able to choose yourself who is around you.
Because I don't know really, at first it feels good. But after a while, it doesn't feel good anymore. So is change bad then. What if you are the one who has controlled the change. The one who has decided that there has to be change, knowing that the change is not good. That the change will not have a positive impact on your life, but you still had to choose that change, because it was the right thing do to. What if you later decide that you want to go back in time, and reverse the change. Go back to normal, or at least what you thought of as normal before. What if you just want to go back and change everything, do everything differently, because you can't deal with the change anymore. I'm on the verger of a breaking point, because I don't know what to do. Do I want the change, or not. I've had a lot of change in the past year, and I don't know if I can stand more change. I know that the change could maybe be the right thing, but I don't really know. Is it. I'm more scared of me regretting the change that I choose. And I could never go back in time again, it would be done, and you couldn't turn back and decide that you don't want that to happen. What if that happens? Will I be able to live with myself after that anymore. I don't think so. Will I ever be able to go back to who I was before the change. Because this will impact my life so much, I don't know is it good or is it bad. I'm not sure about any of it. I wish I was, because it would make me life 100 times easier, if I could fast forward in time, and see if the change is good, or is the change bad. Because then I could actually choose, then I would know, and I would know that I would not have to live in regret ever again. I've gone through similar situations before, but those times it hasn't been my choice, my decision to change something that should not be changed. Those times it has been easier, there hasn't been any regret, because it hasn't been my choice. I've had no power over those changes, I've had no control over them, I've just over time had to learn to accept the change, and live with it.
Why do I end up missing everything that I thought that I would never feel like missing anymore. There is nothing that I would change in where I am now, but I still somehow miss all the things I used to have before. I miss all the fun I used to have with all my friends. All the stupid things we did when no one was watching. I just miss everything, all the things I thought that I would never miss again I miss. I just wish that I could go back to where I was before.
My life was full then, I had everything I was living a dream, but not anymore. Till two days ago I thought that my life was full and I had everything that I need, but it's not true. I'm missing so much. I really just wish that I could go back to where I was before. I miss all the competing, I miss the everyday training, being able to be alone going to the stables, and just being with him. The one that I care about, but now all of that is gone. I don't have anything anymore. I just have him, but it doesn't feel like he is mine, because he is so far away. I miss show jumping, I miss it more than anything, I just wish I could go back. I can't do what I love anymore, and I feel like quitting. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to share my horse with everyone, because he's mine. I'm fine with sharing him with my mother, but others I don't want to share him with. I want to be with him everyday, and if I can't why do I even do this. There is no point in doing something I love, if I don't care about it anymore. Especially, when everyone else is having fun training with their friends and I'm stuck at a small stable alone, not being able to do the things that I love. It's not fair. I just want to quit, my horse is sick I need to listen to people tell me that I should buy a new horse, but what if I don't want to, because it will never be the same. I just hate all of this. I've had enough of people lecturing me how my horse should be put down and that I should buy an new horse. I don't want a new horse, I just want to quit. I've had enough this is driving me insane. I want to put him down and quit for good, never come back again. I see no point in anything anymore. I just don't want to do this without him, I want to keep him, but according to other people it's time to put him down, so why don't I just do that and then give up. I see no point in trying again, because I know that I will fail again, as a person, and as a rider, and I don't know what to do with that anymore. I'll just listen to other people talking shit about me. I don't want to do any of this anymore. I just quit. There's no point in continuing, especially if I'm no good at what I do. I see no point in wasting my life with this, because I will never get anywhere. All of this was just a phase in my life, and it disappeared like everyone told me at one point, it will go away so there is no point in trying to build your whole life around it, because you will no be doing this for the rest of your life.
Viime postauksesta on kolme kuukautta. En edes tiedä mihin kaikki tämä aika on hävinnyt. Tuntuu siltä että koulu olisi vasta alkanut. Lokakuu meni hujauksessa. Hihs tuli ja meni, minun syntymäpäivä tuli ja meni. Kavereiten syntymäpäivät myös, sekä kaikki muut koulu hommat ja hevonen. Ainiin ja 10 päivän syysloma. Ja uusi kamera ja putki, koska vanha yritti sanoa itseään irti kolmen vuoden jälkeen.
Tänne minun puolelleni kuuluu hyvää Lare on todella hyvä nykyään ratsataa ja hoitaa, siinä ei ole mitään ongelmia, kaikki toimii todella hyvin vaikkakin joudutiin siirtymään pellolta kentälle. Ollaan silti mahduttu todella hyvin. Unohdinko mainita että ensi lumi satoi tänään etelä suomeen, ei kyllä ollut yhtään ikävä.
(c) Inka
Koulusta ei edes tarvitse keskustella, sillä siellä ei tapahdu mitään koska en tee mitään, ja kun olis 55 minuutin ruoka tunti jolloin normaalit ihmiset syö, minä istun lattialla mietimässä mitä oikeasti teen elämälläni tai pelaan puhelimella. Siinä olisi oiva aika postauksien kirjoitamiseen tai kouluun panostamiseen, muttei vaan mitenkään enää jaksa. Hihsistä tulee oma postaus sillä olin expossa kolmena päivänä töissä ja yhtenä päivänä minulla oli ihan liput ja menin katsomaan näytöksiä. Pitää vain saada kuvat käytyä läpi ja editoitua. Sama on alku syyslomasta jolloin olin perheeni kanssa Dubaissa, josta on jossain vaiheessa marraskuuta toivottavasti tulossa oma postaus ihanien kesäisien kuvien kera. Ja nyt pitää iskeä naama takaisin oppikirjoihin jotta pysyy jotenkin vielä opinnot hallinassa.
(c) Inka
Kannattaa muuten seurata sosiaalisessa mediassa jos haluaa realiaikaisi kuvia ja päivityksiä.
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Instagram: _mc_claren_ ja alice_reinius
It's now been two years since you became mine, and from that day on I have loved you, hated you and had both feelings at the same time. But right now I love you more than words can describe. I'm proud of you and I trust you. I trust you more than what I have ever before. I don't know why, but I don't care either, the main point is that I still have you and you are still here with me. We have had a really rough patch and I hope it would end and you could come back home. I just hope that you would get better and stay better, so that I could keep you till the day you die. But if you don't I know that the only right decision is to let you go. I just don't want to think of it that way, but that's the only way that I've been thinking of. I'm scared of loosing you, but I'm also scared of keeping you.
On ollut hiljaista taas pieni tovi, enkä voi mitenkään luvata että asiaan tulisi mitään muutosta, koska en halua kirjoittaa jos se tuntuu siltä että tekstiä pitää pakottaa ulos.
Mutta nyt näyttää siltä että Larella on parempi olo laitumella, ja hän nyt jää sinne. Itse menen ratsastamaan kaksi kertaa viikossa. Kävin siellä itse keskiviikkona, ja Lare oli aivan ihana ratsastaa. Menin ilman satulaa ensin maastossa, kaikkissa askelajeissa hetken aikaa, jonka jälkeen menin kentälle ja tein ympyrällä väistöjä hetken aikaa. Lare oli todella jäykkä etenkin oikeaan kierrokseen.
Huomasin sen jo maastossa, mutten antanut sen häiritä. Ravi oli todella lennokasta etenkin vasempaan, jossa se oli muutenkin mukavempi ratsastaa. Laukka oli molempiin suuntiin todella mukavaa, mutta siellä istuminen oli haasteelista, koska se oli normaalimpaa isompaa ja lenokaampaa. Oikeaan ravi oli vähän hitaampaa, mutta kyllä se pari hyvää reipasta pätkää. Mutta yleisesti olen todella tyytyväinen ja iloinen Lareen ja sen ratsastetavuuteen ja käytokseen.
Noh, missä menään. Olisi kivaa jos pystyisin itse vastaamaan tähän kysymykseen itse, mutten osaa. Koska en tiedä missä menään, olen ihan pihalla kaikesta, ja mikään ei käy järkeen, mikään ei liity toisiinsa. En siis osallistunut Larella keskiviikko kisoihin, koska sen vatsa ei ollut tiistaina kunnossa, mutta keskiviikkona se oli ihan hyvä. Sitten taas torstaina vatsa ei ollut kunnossa. En enää ymmärrä missä mättää, ollaan yritetty nyt kaikkea mitä lääkäri on ehdottanut, ja mikään ei tunnu toimivan. Harmittaa todella paljon, sillä en osaa auttaa Larea ja sitten en tiedä mitä sillä voi tehdä kun vatsa ei ole kunnossa, kun ei se voi saada neljää päivää vapaata putkeen. Olen vaan niin poikki tässä asiasssa, eilen Lare ei taas tuntiin syönyt mitään, mutta se on kyllä viisas hevonen ja se ei syö jos sillä ei ole nälkä, tai se on liikkunut liian vähän. Mutta nykyään se muutenkin syö vähän liian vähän heinää, mutta ei se ole lähtenyt laihtumaan, joten ei sen paino minua huoleta. En vain osaa sanoa missä vika, joten kirjoitaminen on todella vaikeaa, niin postaus tahti saataa hieman hidastua, nyt kun Lare ei ole ihan 100% kunnossa.
Mutta jos haluaa tietää missä menään, niin meitä voi seurata instagramissa @_mc_claren_ tai @alice_reinius niihin päivitelen huomattavasti enemmän, koska sinne voi laittaa vain kuvia, eikä tarvitse paljoa miettiä että mitä sinne nyt taas kirjotaisi.
