#36 I'm Lost

I don't know anymore, what should I do. What is right? What is wrong? Where am I? I don't know anymore, I'm lost. I don't know where to go, or what to decide. Everything seems so wrong, I don't want to decide, but I have to someday, but I'm not ready and I don't want to decide.

I would have to decide, what I actually want to do. Where does my equestrian career go, do I just want a friend, or do I want to win. What if I want both? I want a friend, and I want to win. I want to win really bad, I want to succeed and become the best, be on the top. Be number one on the world rankings. That is my dream, that is what I want with life, but I'll never get there, I will never get it. Because I also want a friend who I can talk to, a friend who doesn't talk back. A friend who I can trust, and do fun things, and know that I don't have to worry.

I need a friend someone who I can look in the eyes and know in what mood he is on that specific day. A friend who knows when I need help, when I need to be calibrated after a bad day. A friend I don't need to talk to, to let him know how I feel. He will know what to do on which day to make me smile, and make my day. Make me happy and make me feel normal again.

I want someone who will help me to the top, someone who will be mine. The one that will bring a smile to my face after we have won something together. Someone who will bring a smile to my face after every training, because I know that we have taken a step forward. Someone who I can build myself, and be proud of the end result. So that I don't want to hide them, but show them to the world. Show them what I have done, and prove them that I can do something, and not constantly live in fear of failing and being laughed at by everyone else.